The Unspoken Exit: Why Leaving Home is the Only Choice for Some Young Adults

Sometimes, housing insecurity is the only choice.

There are many young adults, like me, who have to make the very difficult decision to choose housing insecurity. That’s to say young people don’t experience homelessness because we deliberately make “bad choices”, but because we had to make necessary ones to leave harmful situations. In my case, I knew things wouldn’t get better unless I got away from my family and cut them off.

Before I left them, I had a roof over my head, but I was sick and tired of each family member’s issues, insecurities, and feeling pulled in these weird directions that put me in survival mode from their emotional abuse. 

I decided it was time to focus on me. I told myself I would not be putting my own life on hold because of their problems, so I left one day when no one was home, and I haven’t spoken to them since. A last-straw interaction with a specific family member made me realize I was DONE. It wasn’t safe, and I needed to leave.

Now, I know what you might be thinking: “They’re your family! How could you do this to them?!” But I promise you, I am not going through a rebellious, sneaking-out-and-running-away phase. I know they weren’t “trying to protect me”. I was drained from their problems and constantly walking on eggshells, always feeling annoyed at the back of my mind knowing I was in that environment. The fact we’re related by blood doesn’t matter to me because my mental health has been much better choosing my own support circle.

I have yet to put up with people who exhaust me like my family did, which gives me so much hope as I’m starting my life over. It teaches me that most people aren’t that bad. I’ve dealt with some difficult people after leaving too, but it was much easier to emotionally detach from them, just knowing I didn’t have to deal with those folks long-term. 

Some people won’t understand the need to cut off a family, and they’re shocked by it. In some ways, I’m very glad they don’t get it because they’ve never had to go through this, especially if they come from a functional family background. But it’s important to address and break down their misconceptions.

We are not spoiled and ungrateful – you don’t have to like your family. 

As I mentioned earlier, not everyone comes from supportive, loving family backgrounds. It is physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting being hyper-aware to not set off someone's insecurities, only to still fail. I went through this with one specific family member, and it felt like I was in a sinking boat struggling to stay afloat. I’m aware that even functional families have their own issues because no family is perfect. I just wish that more people accepted the fact that some families can indeed be harmful and hurtful.

We know housing insecurity is hard.

As difficult as it may be to experience housing insecurity, many of us face situations that are more dangerous for us. Maybe we’ve aged out of foster care, maybe we’ve been kicked out, or maybe it’s not safe at home anymore. For folks like me, this is the moment when we finally get to leave the abuse, and that’s what matters the most. We don’t actually want to experience homelessness itself, let alone run away. When you’re trying to leave an unsafe situation, starting from scratch is a blessing. 

Before I left, I took pictures of several things I wasn’t going to bring with me. It was definitely hard to let go and leave them behind, such as these cute food toys I had since I was about 8 years old. But I still do not regret leaving because I’m finally at peace. At the end of the day, stuff is just stuff, and those things are replaceable. My life is worth way more than objects.

Experiencing homelessness doesn't mean there is no hope.

Of course, I do go through hard moments where I worry about my future due to unstable housing, but I’m proud to say that I'd still take my experiences with housing insecurity a million times over staying with my family. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders without them in my life.

I don’t consider myself to have lots of friends, and I’m still getting more out of my comfort zone with people skills, but I’m thankful for all the supportive people in my life I’ve met ever since leaving my family. Since going no contact, I actually feel like I’m living and not surviving. I can finally be myself and look forward to the things I actually want to do.

*The author's name has been changed to protect their privacy.